Mother by Anne Born

moth·er

noun: mother; plural noun: mothers

1. a woman in relation to her child or children.

"She returned to Bristol to nurse her aging mother"

2. female animal in relation to its offspring.

"the foal's mother"

3. Archaic (especially as a form of address)

an elderly woman

4. Informal. An extreme example or very large specimen of something.

"I got stuck in the mother of all traffic jams"

1.

"She returned to Bristol to nurse her aging mother"

I was not prompted to nurse you.

We lived so far apart

Me in New York and all.

But I did return to Bristol.

And your other daughter was there, nursing you.

I guess I always suspected you’d look after yourself

Or ask her to care for you.

I’m sure I would have got it all wrong

If I stayed.

The nursing.

I have no training in looking after people.

Not classes not workshops not helpful get togethers

Not anyone to show me how.

You didn’t teach that skill.

And you being critical and all,

I’m sure if I handed you pills, I wouldn’t know to crush them up

Or not crush them up.

Which cup for the water.

Food before, food after, or the doctor’s name.

I wouldn’t know

If I didn’t do it the way everyone else knew how to

If I brought you soup

It would be too hot too cold too full not full enough the bowl.

The wrong spoon, for God’s sake.

And why aren’t you wearing an apron like your sister?

You were like Goldilocks, having broken into the bears’ house.

All hot, all cold, all wrong with me.

Uncomfortable, no comforting.

Everything about me being there wrong.

Everything better normal quiet after

I leave.

I will never know if anyone else really got it right.

The nursing.

I suspect your other daughter did

But I will never ask her.

I couldn’t stay, you know.

Me in New York and all.

2.

“The foal’s mother”

I remember becoming the foal’s mother.

In a room filled with medical students

Watching me give birth,

They rushed in at the last moment.

“It’s OK if they watch?”

Suddenly so alone in the overlit room

Suddenly solo

My performance in spite of myself.

New to childbirth

Not knowing what to expect

Not like the movies

Not drawing on past experiences

Not listening, not talking,

He hands you to me.

And you lie on my chest, eyes wide

Looking at me,

Waiting for the answer,

An introduction,

An explanation,

A teaching –

I want to say,

I know this planet, let me share it all with you

In an instant.

But in that instant,

I evaporated.

I had expelled my life like a sigh, and you replaced it

Fully

Not as I had been but as I would be.

No longer identified with my words or my voice,

My acts, actions, reactions, interactions,

But solely in a singular relationship to or with you.

I had given myself away into the air in that crowded sterile room.

I had become

The foal’s mother.

3.

“An elderly woman, synonymous with mother”

An elderly woman synonymous with mother

Will get on a bus and no one will stand to let her sit

No one will move to let her by,

But once a year, these strangers will shout to her, “Happy Mother’s Day, lady!”

As if every elderly woman synonymous with mother has children

As if every elderly woman synonymous with mother wants recognition

For having children

As if a stranger’s greeting would bring a smile.

Isn’t that it? Get the old lady to smile?

Fit her into your little movie of today?

Make the planet smaller somehow

By giving her some back story

About how she got to be the elderly woman synonymous with mother.

She must have had children.

Probably has grandchildren.

Probably a widow.

Probably lives alone with cats.

Probably volunteers at the library.

Probably doesn’t know jack about cellphones.

Probably needs the seat I won’t be giving her.

Probably needs help with the groceries.

And you’re wrong.

The elderly woman synonymous with mother

Wants to be left the hell alone.

Was a terrible mother,

Is allergic to cats

And they never had pets.

Letting her kids run wild

Chasing each other around restaurants,

Fussing in church.

But today – make her smile, why don’t you?

It’s something about being force fed into a group

A collective

A noun – being an elderly woman synonymous with mother and all.

The assumption being

Elderly woman synonymous with mother is got to

By doing all those right things

Car, house, career,

Making dinner

Dusting, sweeping

Dusting, sweeping

Laundry, hang clothes.

However do you do it?

Do you think modern women can have it all?

However do you find time for yourself?

The elderly woman, synonymous with mother, replies:

I never did.

4.

An extreme example, a very large specimen

My many mothers were an extreme bunch.

Outsized, powerhousey, bold but never adventurous.

They each could hold a room in the palm of their hand,

Tell jokes, exchange witticisms, play card games, dice games,

They drank lavish cocktails with the men, yet

Aspired to so much more,

Setting an example for us, the next generation of

Outsized, powerhousey women.

My many mothers cared deeply about family,

About their children

About your children

About all children.

They were self-sufficient in the extreme,

Able to discipline with a raised eyebrow

Able to silence a dissenting opinion

With a phrase so beautifully crafted it nearly would sing.

My many mothers ran things, built things,

Held things together, solved things,

Fixed or completed things,

All those bits of life we try to get in order.

They outlived husbands, children,

Joy, deceit, and despair.

They knew when to band together

And when the band should sit down, instruments to the floor.

My many mothers did not put much stock in their things,

But left me books, a few pieces of outrageous jewelry,

And one extreme lamp.

Covered with ceramic cherubs and floral arrangements,

It has traveled through time and through space,

Appearing ghostlike now in generational photo after photo,

Backing up these extreme women who would likely admit to me,

It’s the very mother of all lamps.